I won a Special Achiever award during the Vodafone Sales Challenge last Wednesday, together with my direct colleague Michiel. It is a sort of recognition for the work you’ve done, and it comes with a trip to Marrakech. Of course, I always said that I hated this kind of public recognition, and in a sense it is partly true, because I always feel awkward when people compliment me. But in another more psychological sense, it is also very much false. I am a master of self-deception, you see, and if there who needs constant reassurance that he is doing a good job, if there is someone who yearns to be recognized and accepted, it’s me. Normally, I am not willing to admit this, as I view this pathological need for confirmation as a sign of weakness, and more importantly as contradictory to my values and beliefs (the awkwardness I feel is very real though, although it has nothing to do with not wanting recognition). And so I hide it behind a mask of indifference or even loathing. Surely I am above something as petty as recognition.
It reminded me of what the trainer Francine said during the ‘Self-Management’ course I followed about half a year ago. She said that I was maybe too smart for my own good sometimes, as I’ve already analyzed and figured out my own inner patterns long ago. With other people, she had to work hard to help them identify their patterns in the first place. With me, it’s more about convincing me to let go of those patterns who have been my companions for my entire life. I believe she is right, and paradoxical as it may sound, it is precisely that I know myself so well in some aspects, that I am able to deceive myself so easily. The cynical part of me is much more adept at playing the deception game however, but I’d like to believe that the idealistic part of me is becoming more aware of it, which I believe is the most important progress I booked with all those self-improvement stuff I did.
Typical me; turning a blog post about winning an award at work into a psychological profile. I definitely think too much sometimes, but then again, I hope I will never lose that part of me completely. Let me end by saying that I am truly happy with my award, and that I am really looking forward to the trip. Although I don’t do it a lot, I love traveling and visiting new places. It’s great that Michiel is going as well, so at least there is a familiar face, or else I might run the risk of completely zoning out and retreating into my shell during those few days.
The Musings of a Dreamer 