A week ago, I mentioned that the coming weeks are going to be interesting. My main concern was how to balance my new-found enthusiasm for writing with my working life. Judging by how tired I feel constantly during the past few months, I am truly afraid I will not able to pull it off. But I found out today that things have even gotten a lot more interesting. Two of my colleagues announced today they will leave the team on December 1st. On the one hand, I am genuinely happy for them, and I hope that people who know me know that I do not make these claims lightly. On the other hand, I am sad to see them go, as I believe with all my heart that we were on our way to achieve something great together as a team.
Strange… I haven’t even realized that I’ve been trying to avoid my feelings during the entire day. Only now that I’m writing this do I realize that I feel sad, and just a little bit down…
(Focus! I need some focus here!)
Ok, but what I wanted to mention was that things have gotten a lot more interesting because my work life is only going to get busier. I mentioned before that it’s all about setting priorities and making concessions somewhere, but that advice is useless to me because I know I will not be able to choose. What am I supposed to concede at work? The reason I am working long hours is because I am spending a lot of time trying to improve our structure and the way we work. I am not willing to concede on that area no matter what. If recent developments dictate that I should work even more to accomplish that, then so be it. If I concede on that, I might as well quit my current job immediately. What is the point of working your ass off if you’re just going to get stuck in the same issues over and over again?
What about writing? Do I decide then that I should give it up, if only just for the time being? I might scale back on some of the plans I had for the coming months. Maybe. But there is no way I am going to write less than I’ve been doing for the last few months. Perhaps I might consider it when Hell freezes over, but I don’t believe in Hell. How can I abandon writing, now of all times? Writing for me has nothing to do with ambition or wealth, but everything to do with necessity. I cannot afford to quit now. Writing has become something I grasp at with desperation to make meaning out of my life. Writing has become something that keeps me going, that gives me enough strength to keep fighting against myself every single day again. I am afraid of what I will become if I stop writing now.
In the end, whatever happens, happens. There’s no point in thinking too much ahead. I’m terrible at planning, and nothing ever comes out as I plan it. Let’s face it; I’m at my best anyway when I just let go of things, and just let them happen and deal with them as they come.